Understanding Expectations
by underthegreensward
Summary: Post "Spacewalker".


Grounders part unwillingly as you walk back up to your camp, your hands bloody and every fiber of your body heavy. The people in your own camp step away from you when you reach it, and over the pounding in your ears, you hear Raven's cries.

You find her in Bellamy's arms, on the ground next to your mother who looks at you with a mix of pride and pain. You want to kneel down and put your hand on Raven's shoulder, but Bellamy shakes his head and squeezes his eyes shut briefly. You understand. You understand, but you're not sure if she does.

A hand pulls you away and the crowd is oddly quiet as your mom leads you away. Or maybe you just don't hear anything but Raven's sobs.

* * *

You thought she'd go off on you, scream at you, maybe shove you, hit you. You would've understood. But she doesn't do any of that. She doesn't even look at you. You don't blame her. You can't.

She loved Finn like you did. She owed him her life. She needed him to live and you killed him.

It was the right thing to do, you are sure. So was he. You don't regret it. You don't, you just wish Raven would at least stay in the room when you walk into it.

But you guess you deserve it in a way and you don't push it.

* * *

It takes you ages to try to speak to Raven. You follow her into the makeshift work shop she shares with Wick and watch while she works on a panel, steady hands and swift fingers.

You tell her you had to choose between war and a chance at peace. Between one life and many lives. Between killing Finn and watching him being tortured to death.

Raven doesn't acknowledge you, but you can see her hands shaking the tiniest bit.

You tell her you're sorry.

* * *

Time passes and Raven still doesn't talk to you. You're trying to make peace with it, but you would be lying if you said it didn't hurt. You put your focus on many things to keep you occupied, and it works. It works until you see Raven and she refuses to see you.

But it hurts even more when she's suddenly standing in front of you, hands balled into fists, her stare rooting you to where you're standing. Your breath is flat and your heart beats as fast as your thoughts. Raven's eyes burn with anger and pain.

You prepare for the outburst you expected weeks ago.

"You promised," she says. "You promised he would be okay, and then you killed him." You swallow. "You promised me, and I trusted you." It scares you how small Raven looks.

Your stomach twists and there's nothing you can think of saying, so you just look at her.

With teary eyes, she stares at the sky for a moment and then speaks with a crumbling voice. "I understand why you did it. And I understand that it's what he wanted."

You nod, because you're not quite sure what else to do as you watch her wipe away tears. Her voice finds it's usual steadiness, her eyes taking on a seriousness that makes your throat go dry.

"Thank you," she says before turning around and leaving. You're floored.

For the first time since Finn's death, you cry.

* * *

Trust is hard to gain back, you learn. There's nothing you can do to speed it up, nothing you can say to make it happen. So, you wait. You wait and you help and you work. Slowly, Raven begins talking to you again.

It's not much, but it's enough.

* * *

You're helping Raven at picking up cables and fuses and switches on one of the crash sites, sorting them the best you can when Raven sits down across from you. "I don't think he wanted me to hate you."

It's quiet and unexpected, and it makes you look up. Raven's eyes shine in the burning sunlight, her hands fiddling with a piece of metal. You smile softly and shake your head. "No, I don't think he did."

You continue to sort through cables, and a hand curls around yours, squeezing briefly. "I'm sorry." Releasing a shaky breath, you close your eyes and cover her fingers with your own. "So am I."

You never want to let go.

* * *

It happens when you don't expect it anymore. You find Raven quivering with emotion after a terrible day that almost killed all of you. The look in her eyes reminds you of when she thanked you. But this time, Raven doesn't seem small.

"He's dead. You killed him."

You don't move when she strides towards you. You stumble when she shoves you backwards. You don't flinch when she yells at you.

You wrap her in your arms when she collapses with tears and apologies. You cry with her.

* * *

You heal together, the once lost trust growing stronger and stronger. You become Raven's place to fall, and you think she might have been yours for longer than you know.

* * *

When she cradles your face in her hands and presses your lips together in a soft kiss, it's unexpected, but not really surprising. You close your eyes and hold onto her arms as your heart thumps wildly.

"I know Finn didn't want you to hate me, but do you think that's what he wanted?", you mumble without thinking, your lips grazing Raven's with each word.

Raven breathes a laugh and kisses you again. "Something tells me he wouldn't mind."

You agree.


End file.
